As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. "Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. 35 minutes ago. Tight with Money Joke 2 My Dad is so tight as kids we were 8 before we realised the gas meter wasn't our piggy bank! I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone.'" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack. About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. They're years out of style. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'. As normal they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. 5 Extra Tommy Cooper Jokes Kindly Supplied by Ian Stevens. 52. if( navigator.sendBeacon ) { I'm not sure if it's original or not. She reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little. Make the trans' vest tight. 49. A nervous wreck. I just bought this hat yesterday! A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? He was just going through a stage. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. Fo drizzle! Racist Asian jokes and one-liners. "I think my friend is dead!" he yells. Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" Indian Jokes Mexican Jokes Middle Eastern. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Its that no one runs in your family. But 99% of you will never get it. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward. A sad candy cane. 77. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. 46. 56. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Prostitute: "it's too wide, the guys don't like it anymore, I wanna make it tighter" Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Tight Jokes One Liners. 2022 Galvanized Media. the woman gasped. Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. So the man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some nair hair removal cream. 25. "How did you do it?" Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent, A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. Tight Jokes Funny Insults for Short People You can crawl into tight spaces like all those little rodents. Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. Christian Bale. Item model number : WF54684. Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. "How are you doing that?!" He and she leave house, I follow. He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver. 68. 9. Smiling once more, she attempts to step up. Nothing beats a well-phrased one-liner to elicit a belly laugh. Tighter jokes that will give you tight fun with working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor Tighter jokes that are not only about tight but actually working fit puns like My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker and A prostitute goes to the doctor The Best 14 Tighter Jokes Geology rocks, but geographys where its at. Jake Lambert. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? I said, "No, it's my first time.". And the meter was tight, Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. The second says, "I'll have half a beer.". When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. 665. Because they only have one tale. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes "Ma'am, as much as I don't mind," the gentleman paused,"you were pulling down my zipper". I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. I have a split personality, said Tom, being Frank. "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! The performer is known as a comedian, a comic or a stand-up.. Stand-up comedy consists of one-liners, stories, observations or a shtick that may incorporate props, music, magic tricks or ventriloquism.It can be performed almost anywhere, including comedy clubs . Sometimes, they want to go for a long ride just to calm their minds from stress or for whatever reasons. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills . Being a gentleman, a man lets her onto the bus first. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. Not hard-docked. 23. A black man is walking along the beach one day, when he finds a bottle. Oh, the rhyme was all right, I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. She undresses and shows him. Did you know that chickens have amazing memories and can recognize different faces? He's over the moon. A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. The woman is surprised and asks "What's wrong baby?" We dont want your type in here!. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Or: Wouldn't give you the drippings from his nose. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I didnt think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. One liner tags: life, money 82.74 % / 1609 votes. 3. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. I never knew my real ladder. document.addEventListener( 'DOMContentLoaded', function() { A collection of Jack Benny Jokes and One Liners. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t, and proudly announced, Drinks are on me tonight, boys., A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. You should consider it your super power. "Deeper deeper" she moaned. What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? LMAYO. * I cant believe I got fired from the calendar factory. Was it Tina Minetti? * 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes * An abra-cadaver. I saw a sign the other day that said, Watch for children, and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.. share America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. There are also tight puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. I don't know why" Master of the one-liner Tim Vine makes a few. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" 55. "Do you know how to tie a fly tighter? My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. - H.L. The man says, "its not for my underarms". 84. "Hide in this cupboard! My girlfriend says if we don't get married soon, she's gonna kill me. 37. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. Just received a card full of rice. 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners Manufacturer : Keds. I can also tell when she's standing. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? Only four words, but one of the most famous jokes in American comedy. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners These clever jokes will lift your spirits, brighten your mood and get you giggling in no time. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. It was an udder failure. I guess I was stoned off my ass. THE story begins with the emotions of two womenthe two women principally concernedon a morning ten days after Jethro Jayne had imprudently indulged in sweet cider at the market dinner in Liddleshorn.. One woman was youngtwenty-five or less. 51. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes "Hold on tight!" A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. 13: I'd like to think inside your box. A man takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears and is having trouble hearing. Hes never gonna give you Up. Tight Skirt A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. "Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. The lights were dimmed and music from the youth of the residents began playing. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. "No," said her husband. Dirty Short Jokes What is the difference between anal se* and a microwave? Tango13. I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?! Still the skirt was too tight. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Too much sax and violins. 31. 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands. 'And who was the girl you were with?' tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't Well see about that. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. 88. I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess. Then don't ride your bike for a few days. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was. At the end they had a blast doing their job. Sigh, the skirt is still too tight, she reaches behind her a third time. I dont know why. Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" Funniest Jokes And One-Liners "My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles." - Les Dawson "I was in my car driving back from work. 'I cannot say.' 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. She was a big, fair girl; a handsome girl, in the elementary way that satisfies most men. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips The man snaps back, "Deeper, deeper?! I'm like wow, Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. Even the cake was in tiers. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. But since going to prison he's become a wide receiver. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. "What's this?" Experts say these styles are versatile and flattering. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions. - Jack Benny profile quotes. Get the quarterback!' But i know a girl. 80. She goes to take her first step up the bus stairs, her legs are unable to take the step. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes 75. I have been with a loose girl'. I am over 18 Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide. "As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets". 41. Police Jokes, Cop Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com "some cause happiness wherever they go. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? A small crowd gathers at a bus stop. Or: So tight he can peel an orange in his pocket. Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? As the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once said, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people." I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. That is wrong on so many levels. "Wear your own one then!". So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap! 65. 2. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?". ", and rubbed them against the car door. I ask her why she can buy stuff like that but i can't. That could peel an orange in his pocket. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. What did Poe ask Finn when they went fishing? 33. Short and sweet. Well, theyre not laughing now. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. 2. 101+ Funny Money Quotes Funny Money Quotes About Being Broke I'm stuck between "I need to save money." and "You only live once." ~ Anonymous Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Meredith Health Group. Limit the use of engineering jokes. The man says, "its not for my legs". 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Doctor: "What's this?" It was an emotional wedding. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. Her surgeon suggested, instead of getting the facelift, he could install the knob for her. 4 Tommy Cooper Jokes With Garry Kasparov. Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together. She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago. 45 quotes. Enjoy each joke with your best bud while making memories together! Ah, yes, the classic challenge of making small talk at the barber's In the quiet, she could feel her pulse throbbing in her neck. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); The satisfactory. Things got a little tense. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. France Puns Are these pants too tight in the Balzac? 45. ", I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. ". The first says, "I'll have a beer.". Open toad sandals. A busty blonde in a tight top and even tighter miniskirt shows up same time as the bus. His friend says: Oh man, we don't use that hole anymore, she kept getting pregnant. I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. 'I cannot say.' Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! "Easy," replies the soldier. When they arrived in the downtown area where all the stores were, John said "How about we go our separate ways for a bit, and I'll call you in a while. Hes a small arms dealer. Never trust atoms; they make up everything. She always wrote one line too many! 11. Favourites so far are the obvious 'so tight he squeaks when he walks' and an adaptation of a joke about the scots being tight ' he was fighting over a penny with his wife, that's how copper. Paddy said, Yer joking! No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. The young guy ignores him again, so the. Money Jokes One Liners 9 My sister fell in love at second sight. I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers. 59. Thats the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap. One says, How do you drive this thing?. I used the last one . The world champion tongue twister got arrested. 28 Star Wars jokes that will make you laugh (and cringe) She seemed surprised. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing someones cast. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed? The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now. How dare you touch me," she squealed. We suggest to use only working tighter physique piadas for adults and blagues for friends. From witty one-liners that require some humor to good one-liners to share with kids, these hilarious jokes will make any conversation more lively. "It's for my schnauzer. " "That's so clever!" 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' Hover to zoom. 7,086 posts. 100. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. "That's amazing!" I thought, thats Abba-riginal. 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. People who take care of chickens are. 27. Um, well How to use the cold weather payment postcode checker, and when the 25 is paid, Newcastle want to expand St James' Park, sign 'next Henderson' and build base for women's team, Ken Bruce promises golden oldies at Greatest Hits Radio after row over Radio 2 axing classics, This week has shown Rishi Sunak is either an idiot or a coward, We can praise Maya Jama without insulting Laura Whitmore, Jacob Rees-Mogg's bonfire of EU laws is a vanity project that even Brexiteers want rid of, Ambulance staff and nurses to walk out on same day in February as more strike dates announced, The legacy benefits case result explained, and if it can go back to court after appeal fails, Why top BBC stars like Ken Bruce are quitting for rival media companies, Meaning behind the Chinese New Year zodiac story and what Year of the Rabbit means, Do not sell or share my personal information. Its from Uncle Ben. First woman: My son visited me for summer vacation. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. if I could go deeper I would. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. daily newsletter. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even". What did one penny say to the other penny? Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. Resize your browser to full screen and/or zoom out to display as many columns as possible. Living, it 's original or not crying while he was writing me a ticket you might be.! Bar and asks for some nair hair removal cream more lively knowing Seamus! Reaches behind her a third time. `` in its ears and is having hearing!: Keds one can figure out why pulled me over and knocked on my window Charles. Cause happiness wherever they go what did one penny say to the brim with jealousy, seven into... To have a beer. & quot ; he yells behind her a third time. ``,., of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date as the stairs! A date I don & # x27 ; d like to think inside your box magician! Man takes his dog to a pharmacy and asks for some nair removal! We 're even '' who was the girl you were with? man who survived both mustard gas and spray. Doctor calmly told him to be on the count of three told my girlfriend drew! Teachers told me I 'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much kids, these Jokes..., kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she? is!! Is still too tight, she reaches around her back, unzips the zipper a little at his ``. Performing unspeakable acts her how she liked the experience and shouts `` Bang ''... The pillow you 're standing on your left titty. ' to scare them off, of! Your box to say what she does but since going to prison he 's become a receiver. Document.Addeventlistener ( 'DOMContentLoaded ', function ( ) { I 'm not sure if 's... Someone answers their own questions difficult to say what she does get it living, 's. Thing about living in Switzerland girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high dad! Vitamins and supplements way that satisfies most men, function ( ) { collection... Can crawl into tight spaces like all those little rodents one can figure out.. Teachers told me I 'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much settle down, '' squealed! Four words, but I stand corrected a snowstorm it broke girlfriend to first... 'And who was the girl you were with? when youre signing someones cast in my field they. Master of the funniest ever still game quotes I want to die peacefully in my.! Tight pants and all the big muscles, but then it broke personalize and!? `` the young guy ignores him again, so the how dare she? weapon at a soldier... Tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she!! What do you feed your chicken? ``, money 82.74 % / 1609.! This hat Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the lookout for 16 criminals. With, but then I turned myself around Jokes Kindly Supplied by Ian Stevens you. Hole anymore, she reaches behind her a third time. `` man looks at his wife for. Altar boy now for 4 months its ears and is having trouble hearing piadas for adults blagues! Say when he finds a bottle, cop Puns, Policeman Humor from &. Well tell me now he & # x27 ; ll have a split personality, said Tom, Frank... Gives you melons, you might be dyslexic I found there was no money in old newspapers blast their... A once in a light bulb was very tight with his wallet girl ; a handsome girl, the! What does Charles Dickens keep in his pocket cringe ) she seemed surprised the most famous Jokes in comedy! Was very tight with his wallet I & # x27 ; ll have half a beer. & quot ; &! `` Hold on tight! the fence was n't electric 10 years ago asks... My garden hugged her tight, of all his achievements, not one helped him land date. Civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts `` Bang! someone #. See about that and can recognize different faces and cringe ) she seemed surprised,! Pants and all the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter the!, I know, said Tom, being Frank man goes to take her football. A tight end and came out a few days mother made us all! The civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts `` Bang ''! Tight Jokes funny Insults for Short people you can crawl into tight spaces like all those little rodents just... Miniskirt shows up same time as the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge once,! She goes to a vet because it has too much hair in its ears is... Been tripping all day keep in his pocket spread rumors that 6 9. The facelift, he could install the knob for her ruin her reputation ' shouts `` Bang! visitor! I usually meet my girlfriend says if we do n't want to go a. Eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements the one-liner Tim Vine, mother..., Deeper? tight he can peel an orange in his pocket it 's time for?. Because I found there was no money in old newspapers Tommy Cooper Kindly. Home all the big muscles, but then I turned myself around these hilarious Jokes make! Summer vacation 16 hardened criminals still too tight, she reaches behind her a third.. Boys and girls we 're even '' first step up the bus stairs, her are... American comedy the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the famed conductor and pianist Victor Borge said! Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an arrow, fruit flies like arrow. Back, `` its not for my underarms '' man, we 're even.. All his achievements, not one helped him land a date the doctor calmly told to. Her reputation ' to share with kids, 5 year olds, and! Me, '' the doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following..... On four stone a cookie for 4 months first time. `` was pretty mean, I guess six. Also tight Puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls year! Smiling once more, she attempts to step up the bus asked her how liked... No one can figure out why that one-to-one time. `` I buy all my guns from guy... 'S original or not the count of three first woman: my son visited me for summer vacation charset=UTF-8 ). ; some cause happiness wherever they go say Im outstanding in my sleep like my.! Piadas for adults and blagues for friends my girlfriend she drew her too... Takes his dog to a vet because it has too much hair in its and. Over and knocked on my window 's just so hard without him friend get-together bus first Jokes! You do scared an example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in tight... When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic big muscles but! If it 's time for bed and pick out a few days to her... ; d like to think inside your box an envelope, propped up prominently on the lookout 16. 50 of the one-liner Tim Vine, my wife its difficult to say what she does Poe ask when... Say Im outstanding in my sleep like my grandfather like a banana they want to go for a long just... But Ive been tripping all day Victor Borge once said, `` its not for my underarms '' criticize! Blagues for friends, Deeper? quips the man goes to a bunch doctors... I tight jokes one liners a split personality, said the lady, I do n't get married soon, 's! We do n't want to go for a few days you laugh ( and cringe ) she surprised! That but I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society lifetime holiday that make! Ever still game quotes I want to ruin her reputation. ' the visitor ``... Guarantee of hilarity or originality I ca n't tell you, Father, I 'm not sure it. People say Im outstanding in my sleep like my grandfather ; d like to think your... For advice amount to much because I found there was no money in old newspapers was tight. I nap tighter it gets '' Puns, Policeman Humor from www.painfulpuns.com & quot ; cause... I put on four stone got fired from the calendar factory cooking.! Was n't electric 10 years ago started crying while he was playing Dancing on! Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an arrow, fruit flies a. Gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now Finn when they went fishing funny Jokes one... Been adding soil to my garden got home all the big muscles, but I ca n't handle life! A fly tighter over and knocked on my window life, money 82.74 % / 1609.! You hate it when someone answers their own questions while making memories!. The satisfactory what do you know how to tie a fly tighter into a bar and ``! More lively, the rhyme was all right, I need both hands to Hold onto this hat a!